June 23, 2014

life, think back, e hell....

I don't talk a lot about my personal life and seeing this is my blog I should be allowed to say and talk about what I want and make it my personal blog. I want to be/stay this bubbly person that a lot of people see but, some don't they see a side that no one should. Yes this is the internet but some people know me in real life and they also read this blog of mine, but I want to start talking about real life problems not just blogging about tutorials, reviews, crafts etc. 

The moment I started this blog many many years ago (for people who maybe confused it used to be called if life was like a cupcake) I always wanted to turn it in to a book and I still will one day but for now it can stay right where it's at for all to see, view, and share if they/you would like.

Rewind I can't remember exactly how old I was we went up to the Wisconsin dells for vacation (I was born and raised in Wisconsin moved to Arizona the day I graduated high school). We always went up to the Wisconsin dells almost yearly to have fun stay at the hotels go to the water parks etc. This one time my mom, my friend Melissa and I went into this palm readers shop where my mom got her palms read then for some reason I got mine read. I always think back on it every now and then to think how scary true most of my life has been so far. The women took my hand and she looked at it and started to talk I was going to be married only one time, I was going to be a business women, I was going to have three kids and she said a couple of other things but those where the major things that stood out throughout the years. 

Years later my mom got married to someone and he was from Arizona, she always has wanted to live somewhere warm she always said Florida but whens she met him it was set Arizona. Even though this guy was a joke and a half I was glad I moved to Arizona, I got a job not long after moving here first cleaning houses I hated it so I quit. Then I started working at the Airport a few short weeks after I quit cleaning houses and this is where I met Erik he worked for TSA I worked in front of him checking boarding passes and ID's before going through security.

Our first date was on his birthday I was only 18 and we never stopped seeing each other after that, I found out I was pregnant when I was 19 and Erik and I were on our way to San Diego and we stopped on top of this mountain it was really pretty and he got down on one knee and proposed to me. It was super sweet and of course I said yes, we didn't have any dates or plans on when we were going to get married because I was pregnant and getting bigger everyday. My mom's husband at the time needed us to go to Vegas to pick up a truck for his new business he was starting and 4 hours later we arrived in Vegas and we looked at each other and said lets do it let just get married. No big wedding which I was fine with because at the time I was HUGE with Chloe in my growing belly. so life was good we had Chloe and when I married my Erik now almost 8 years ago (this October will be 8) we always were like okay how many kids do we want to have? I always had in the back of my head three kids I don't know if it was because of what the palm reader said or if that's just what I really wanted. But he said he always wanted three as well so we were set, so 2 years after we had Chloe we had Sora.

While I was pregnant with Sora that is when I picked up sewing I wanted all this awesome high end stuff for her so she didn't just have to have hand me downs from Chloe and I self taught my self how to sew. I'm so glad I did sewing is my outlet it keeps me sane I love creating stuff and I love when people ask me, you made that? In the beginning I sucked who doesn't right? but I thought hey maybe I could start my own business and make some money while Erik works I could to in a way while taking care of our girls!! (business women, meant to be I think so) It was all about making girls clothes because I didn't have a boy and I really didn't know what to make for boys.

Then couple years later I was acting so out of the norm like straight up I was acting like a total bitch and I knew it and it was like I couldn't even help it. Erik came home with a pregnancy test and hes like take this I don't know what is going on with you but this is the only thing I could think of and by my surprise not his but mine it was positive. I was like holey crap this is crazy we are going to have another baby i was like this is just insane, I wasn't expecting it at all maybe because I felt good just acting like a bitch lol. With the girls I was sicker then a dog from the second I got pregnant with them, so because my brother has spina bifida i always have to get a ton of testing in the beginning of all my pregnancies. So three kids we were like ok please please please let this be our boy Eriks like with our luck its going to be a girl, and i had to get this scan done at 13 weeks and shes like its a boy and hes 2 now and he still cant believe we have our boy. 

So six weeks after I had Trent I didn't do my research like I should of on these little things called ESSURE coils that go in your Fallopian tubes, then scar tissue develops around them and you will be blocked from getting pregnant again. So I thought great this is easier then getting my tubes tided don't have to go under the knife etc. BOY was I WRONG I went to the doctors office because that's where it was to take place I took the medicine so my cervix would be opened for them to get the coils in, I go in early in the morning my mom drove me because I wouldn't be able to drive home. They gave me this medicine called tordal and I just went crazy almost felt like I was in the ball in the movie contact it was the craziest reaction EVER. so the doctor had to put be to sleep I wake up all dressed and in another room they discharge me and say I have to say i'm allergic to the medicine because of the way it made me react, ok whatever you know I was out of it at the time still.

So were pulling out and my car stops working i'm like omg what the hell seriously my mom gets it to turn back on and we make it home, then i get home and my water got shut off we forgot to pay the bill I just lost it crying my eyes out like that was the start of the last two years I swear to you. Since getting the essure my life has gone down the hill more then i can ever say I want to be my old self so bad no obgyn's would listen to me. I've been just going to my PC and hes been giving me medicine to cope with life. 

so now 2 years later exactly I ask my mom about a good obgyn because my mom is a nurse and she told me Dr. Guzman I called and they had me see him the same week got a my annually because I've had pre cancer before and part of my cervix taken out because I had so much pre cancer that was after Sora. My obgyn at the time was surprised I got pregnant with Trent because of it. I have to say Dr. Guzman is AMAZING he made me cry because the first thing he said to me was you're not crazy Amanda I believe you and all these problems you're having is because of the essure. If you look up all the side effects essure can cause I have everyone besides the miscarriage or pregnancy, it's really said FDA approved this piece of shit to go on the market to put this device in women. 

There is a Facebook page Essure problems where all the girls on there have the same problems I do and there are even doctors on there that are trying anything they can do to get these things off the market. No other person should have to be effected the way we all have its say and it's truly taken our lives from us its robbed me from my life for the past two years. Now that i have a doctor who finally believes me i'm getting a hysterectomy in just few short weeks and im excited scared every emotion under the sun. I hope all my problems go away once i get these metal things out of my body for good.

so I guess to be continued that was a lot of typing and I didn't proof read it so if it sounds crazy and everywhere its probably because it is because that is how my life is right now every where. up down side ways one minutes i feel awesome can concur the world the next i feel like im about to scream and break everything in the house...i'm bipolar with these things in me and I have to take meds just to keep me functioning through the day to take care of my babies and i'm tired of it all my children need their mom back Erik needs his wife back and I need me back...


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